King of Infinite Space
The following post is best described as a sort of diary entry. One of the reasons I like to write is that is helps me work out some of my own ideas. I suppose I could do this outside this very public forum, but I’m feeling generous! I very often share personal thoughts and goings-on with a lot of friends and family to get their inputs. Funny, but some people—even my own sister—mistake this as ambivalence or lack of conviction. No, no, not usually true. I just don’t get to discuss “the big things” with a lot of folks and I kinda miss that. I guess it’s like being a sports fan: it just isn’t the same to sit in front of the TV and root quietly for year team if you can’t also talk to your buddies about it after the game.
Shouldn’t I be concentrating on career first before thinking about a serious relationship? Being a responsible, care-taker type I've always felt that yes, I've got to be well established in my career before anything else, but here's the thing: I will always be working on some new project. Here's what I envision. I pass the bar. I get an ok job, but I'm still not "established" because a couple years later I'll really be marketable and I'll be looking for a better situation. That's a typical pattern for attorney careers, I think. Then after that with a little money in hand, I'll be working on some real estate ventures that I've been wanting to try for years. That'll tie up a lot of cash, so maybe I should wait.... And then after that, because I really want to get involved in community groups and maybe local politics, well...maybe I should wait to see where that goes.... So the years pass and I keep putting the family thing on hold. Yes, actively on hold. As it is, I put off buying a house back in 1999 or so because I thought I might be going to grad school. If I'd taken the plunge then I could have sold the house and paid for law school with the proceeds.
To be honest, it's been almost ten years that I've been ignoring that part of my life completely; it's a rather recent innovation that I'm looking for someone in earnest. When I was an undergraduate I had some tough times during which I really struggled with direction and purpose. What got me through the last couple years was the conviction that God's plan for my life was to be a family man. So the “direction” I was heading was to be a family man and the “purpose” for what I was doing was to prepare me to go in that direction. So, I completed my degree so that I could get a good paying job that could support a family someday. Ditto for the law degree, though there were other reasons too.
That’s all well and good, but two things come to mind. First, this notion of having a well established career first can too easily become an excuse to stay out of the dating scene and it probably has for me. Of course no one wants to be with someone who’s a bum who can’t/won’t hold down a job, but my situation’s a little different. When I left my last engineering job in 2001 I was earning about $70K/year and I stand to earn more as an attorney. It’s just a matter of time before it happens. I don’t think a woman would have to worry that she’d be getting together with a deadbeat. I don’t think that my current situation, then, is a good reason to not look for a serious relationship now. What about all the things I envisioned doing? Don’t you need to do all those things first before you settle down? Yes and no. I think I may still be able to do a number of things while fulfilling my obligations to my family. On the other hand, make no mistake about it, the day I get married my life is no longer my own (indeed, it isn’t now, but that’s another discussion) and my ambitions take a back seat. Better said, my family becomes my ambition.
Second, a woman can be a great help. I don’t mean she can pay the bills while I go to school, or keep house while I work crazy hours. No, I’m referring to something I learned about my personality when I was an undergraduate: I will work tirelessly and gladly for someone I love. In fact, I almost need someone to work for. (This is undoubtedly a very ISFJ personality trait.) I’m very self-driven, but in my quieter moments, I realize that ambition, pride and a sense of accomplishment are not enough for me.
So, I know the direction I’m heading and the purpose for which I do things like work on the career, take care of my health and work on my spiritual life. Things should just fall into place, right? I shouldn’t rush it, right? Well, yes that’s true. After all, I do have faith that God will come through, albeit by His own timetable. Even so, there are things I could be doing, especially because I’m fishing in a puddle in the middle of the desert. What I mean is that I need to make an extra special effort to meet people who share my beliefs and values and it seems those folks are rare, especially in Los Angeles. And mind you, I mean I need to befriend more folks like this. I do really, really like the idea of getting to know a woman outside the pressured environment of a dating relationship (whatever that means).
So, in conclusion (and everyone who ends an essay this way ought to be shot!) I will not rush it, but I will make an extra effort to meet more women with similar beliefs, values and relationship goals. I’ll do this now despite my nascent (second) career, faithfully trusting the Man Upstairs will work out the timing.
That’s it. I’m thinking about writing a series of entries along the lines of this one, maybe on topics like my views on love, life, relationships, faith, etc. Dunno, just thinking about it. I don’t expect anyone would read them, but they’d make nice diary entries! Gosh, I must sound like all I do is mope around all day like Hamlet. Not so! It's just that us ISFJ types have a "rich internal life!" Maybe I'll write about what I did this weekend next.
Shouldn’t I be concentrating on career first before thinking about a serious relationship? Being a responsible, care-taker type I've always felt that yes, I've got to be well established in my career before anything else, but here's the thing: I will always be working on some new project. Here's what I envision. I pass the bar. I get an ok job, but I'm still not "established" because a couple years later I'll really be marketable and I'll be looking for a better situation. That's a typical pattern for attorney careers, I think. Then after that with a little money in hand, I'll be working on some real estate ventures that I've been wanting to try for years. That'll tie up a lot of cash, so maybe I should wait.... And then after that, because I really want to get involved in community groups and maybe local politics, well...maybe I should wait to see where that goes.... So the years pass and I keep putting the family thing on hold. Yes, actively on hold. As it is, I put off buying a house back in 1999 or so because I thought I might be going to grad school. If I'd taken the plunge then I could have sold the house and paid for law school with the proceeds.
To be honest, it's been almost ten years that I've been ignoring that part of my life completely; it's a rather recent innovation that I'm looking for someone in earnest. When I was an undergraduate I had some tough times during which I really struggled with direction and purpose. What got me through the last couple years was the conviction that God's plan for my life was to be a family man. So the “direction” I was heading was to be a family man and the “purpose” for what I was doing was to prepare me to go in that direction. So, I completed my degree so that I could get a good paying job that could support a family someday. Ditto for the law degree, though there were other reasons too.
That’s all well and good, but two things come to mind. First, this notion of having a well established career first can too easily become an excuse to stay out of the dating scene and it probably has for me. Of course no one wants to be with someone who’s a bum who can’t/won’t hold down a job, but my situation’s a little different. When I left my last engineering job in 2001 I was earning about $70K/year and I stand to earn more as an attorney. It’s just a matter of time before it happens. I don’t think a woman would have to worry that she’d be getting together with a deadbeat. I don’t think that my current situation, then, is a good reason to not look for a serious relationship now. What about all the things I envisioned doing? Don’t you need to do all those things first before you settle down? Yes and no. I think I may still be able to do a number of things while fulfilling my obligations to my family. On the other hand, make no mistake about it, the day I get married my life is no longer my own (indeed, it isn’t now, but that’s another discussion) and my ambitions take a back seat. Better said, my family becomes my ambition.
Second, a woman can be a great help. I don’t mean she can pay the bills while I go to school, or keep house while I work crazy hours. No, I’m referring to something I learned about my personality when I was an undergraduate: I will work tirelessly and gladly for someone I love. In fact, I almost need someone to work for. (This is undoubtedly a very ISFJ personality trait.) I’m very self-driven, but in my quieter moments, I realize that ambition, pride and a sense of accomplishment are not enough for me.
So, I know the direction I’m heading and the purpose for which I do things like work on the career, take care of my health and work on my spiritual life. Things should just fall into place, right? I shouldn’t rush it, right? Well, yes that’s true. After all, I do have faith that God will come through, albeit by His own timetable. Even so, there are things I could be doing, especially because I’m fishing in a puddle in the middle of the desert. What I mean is that I need to make an extra special effort to meet people who share my beliefs and values and it seems those folks are rare, especially in Los Angeles. And mind you, I mean I need to befriend more folks like this. I do really, really like the idea of getting to know a woman outside the pressured environment of a dating relationship (whatever that means).
So, in conclusion (and everyone who ends an essay this way ought to be shot!) I will not rush it, but I will make an extra effort to meet more women with similar beliefs, values and relationship goals. I’ll do this now despite my nascent (second) career, faithfully trusting the Man Upstairs will work out the timing.
That’s it. I’m thinking about writing a series of entries along the lines of this one, maybe on topics like my views on love, life, relationships, faith, etc. Dunno, just thinking about it. I don’t expect anyone would read them, but they’d make nice diary entries! Gosh, I must sound like all I do is mope around all day like Hamlet. Not so! It's just that us ISFJ types have a "rich internal life!" Maybe I'll write about what I did this weekend next.
posted by anchovy @ 9:26 AM
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