P31 Men

Proverbs 31 describes the ideal Godly woman--maybe a little too perfect--so it was poetic justice that someone should write the following parody for men:

Proverbs 31 (For Men)

Who can find a loving husband, for his value far exceeds that of a gardener, handyman, or financier.

The heart of his wife shall safely trust in him whether in the presence of a beguiling lady or a lonely woman seeking a listening ear.

He spendeth more time at home than on the golf course, bowling alley, or hunting trip.

He exerciseth restraint when bicycles and roller skates clutter the driveway.

He accepteth strawberry jelly kisses and peanut butter hugs with gladness.

He fixeth dump trucks and disjointed Barbie dolls with equal skills.

When wife screameth, he runneth to rescue and steppeth on a black spider without ado.

He forgetteth not wife's birthday and anniversary.

He noticeth wife's new dress, hairdo, shoes and purse, and complimenteth her accordingly.

He remembereth her beauty during uncomfortable pregnancies and showeth patience when new baby demandeth her time.

Shampoos, rinses, conditioners, assorted combs, curlers, and hair spray leaveth him confused, but he pondereth them all in silence.

He is not the perfectionist that thinketh an unmade bed or unwashed dishes indicateth laziness.

He hangeth curtains, fixeth faucets, and repaireth steps promptly, and thanketh the Lord that wife naggeth not.

He goeth to ball games and cheereth enthusiastically for son's team whether winning or losing.

He patiently endureth piano, clarinet, and violin lessons and sitteth on front row at recital.

When in-laws cometh to visit, he maketh them welcome.

He occasionally goeth shopping with wife and refraineth from grumbling, though lingerie and millinery appealeth to him not, and he secretly hopeth no other male seeth him.

When waiting for wife in car, he resisteth temptation to blow horn; upon departure, he accelerateth at normal speed.

He keepeth temper under control while helping children with modern math and applaudeth grades received, but he comprehendeth them not.

He refuseth not to attend Team Fellowship meetings and school Christmas programs.

He bestoweth affection lavishly on wife and children and remembereth to express appreciation verbally.

He communicateth freely with wife, doth not pout and sulk during time of disagreement.

His strength supporteth family in times of crises, yet he showeth tenderness and compassion.

He calmly accepteth wife's bewildering ways, though he may never fully understand her, he loveth her just the same.

Meet him at the door with combed hair, freshly pressed dress and powdered nose.

Greet him with a smile, a kiss and a warm welcome, for he is a priceless treasure.

(Unattributed)